Stop Killing Yourself

Just kind of sucks that you decided to go get fucked up

Suddenly It's Not So Hard to Say You're Alright

He made me listen to this song, I don't listen to it often. I honestly have a problem listening to songs that consistently make me cry. Not because I don't like the songs, but because I just get so overwhelmed. "Kathy With A K's Song" by Bright Eyes.

The lyrics really get to me, it's almost as if he was the one singing it, and I'm Kathy. (Though, I'm glad my name isn't Kathy, I never really liked that name all too much. But that's sort of besides the point.)

Well, I listened to it, and I got so overwhelmed that I felt like I had to write about it. That's what I always do. I let my emotional bucket overflow onto the keyboard and spill out sentences and paragraphs and pages of things I don't have enough room to contain. Not sure if anyone will read this, but if you do, please listen to the song if you haven't already.

Some people will likely hear it and be indifferent or depressed because they currently have no one and feel as if they never will. This may be true. They may never have someone like I have him. Alone. Maybe they want it that way, maybe not. But it happens.

And to know that it does tears me apart. Comparatively, I feel so undeserving of what I have, there are so many people out there who deserve love like this. Just to know that they might never ever find it, it kills me.

I think about other people a lot. What they do.

I think about all the people who are sitting alone in their apartment with a thawed out, microwaved Stouffer's lasagna sitting alone at a table meant to seat two. They'll eat half and save the leftovers for tomorrow.

Tomorrow, when they have to eat alone again. Tomorrow when they sit and watch Scrubs re-runs on their thrift store couch. Tomorrow when they check the answering machine to find no one has cared enough to call. Tomorrow when they cry alone in their bed wishing they had someone to hold on to.

Love should belong to everyone.

Why is the world so incredibly shallow? Why are people so misunderstood? Why are people eating alone?

I'll ask myself these questions as long as I live.

Together.

I want nothing more than to just lay half-asleep in between antique sheets from childhood with the rain tapping softly on the tangerine glass of the Sanctuary, with you holding me quietly, your hands in my hair. I want to wake up to your sleep-soaked face after a night in which we stayed up too late, doing things our parents wouldn't approve of.
But, at the moment I'm sitting at a computer in a house in the middle of nowhere, I'm full of sushi, it's cold, my hair is a mess, and I was supposed to be asleep by now. I miss you terribly, and I find myself wishing I could just go on auto-pilot, or fast forward to the part where I don't have to be more than two inches away from you.
I don't know when those days are going to come. I don't even know if they're going to come.
I sure hope so, though.
I've got it all figured out, you know. I already picked out the color of our bedroom walls and all the art I'm going to hang around the house. I know I'm going to make pancakes AT LEAST every Saturday morning. And I know I will be happy. And I want you to be happy, too.

Honestly, that's all I've ever wanted. Happiness and the things it entails.
Including sleepyfaced mornings and pancakes. Including everything I can ever give and provide for you. Including all our dreams.


Isn't love beautiful?

Honest.

When I find words and courage, I will write what I think.

Ask Me a Question. I'll Write You an Answer.

I'm on my own, [I never do anything right]

I love you so much that it hurts my head

(Untitled)

You wonder why I feel so alone

at night when I'm listening to the radio

sitting on the green futon where

we used to sit together

on the same broken couch

you first kissed me on

Well you're not next to me now.

Why do maps cut me like knives?

Why do mile markers hurt my eyes?

A postcard with a picture

of blue and purple southern mountains

"Wish You Were Here"

in pretty script at the peaks

would never have

enough space to write in

We're just a million little gods causing rain storms...

...turning every good thing to rust.

(That quote is a line from the song Wake Up by Arcade Fire.)



I cause way too many problems for myself.
I realize now that I first need to get over my own insecurities, ones I've really always had, for anything to ever get better for me and the people I surround myself with.

Problem: I don't know how to go about doing that.



These days all I ever think about is college, and deciding what I want to do is quite stressful for me. All I can really think is that I want to be as close to him as possible. But, at the same time, I don't want to limit my opportunities. However, I feel like if I was, say, at the same school or something, I'd be overall a much happier person, and more inclined to do my work.
But, it could go the complete opposite direction as well. Who really knows?

I guess I just need to think more about everything. I'm really trying here. I just need help.


Also...
Friends are hard to keep around. I hardly see any of them anymore. But, I spent my Saturday night surrounded by a lot of people. I never really realized how much I liked these people.
Then after that, I rode in a car with a rarely-seen friend and someone I had never really talked to before. We went to Sonic. She payed for my slushie and my cheese fries. My best friend showed up and we danced in the parking lot. I wasn't wearing any shoes. We sang the Yeah Yeah Yeahs at the top of our lungs at a stoplight.

I need to do that more often, I think.
And I need to live up to my words this time.

Next time I want to see someone, I'm gonna do it. No more second thoughts or changed plans.
It's not all talk this time.

In Ruin...

...in shambles.

No amount of band-aids and lollipops is going to fix this one.

I might have to get my hands dirty.

It's a price I'll have to pay.

I may have to stay up until sunrise.

If that's what it takes.

You know I'd do anything for you.

In My Next Life

I will take more time

to ponder the world at large.

I will also become

the world's fastest runner

and win an Olympic Gold Medal,

beating all the foreigners

who run with the wind in their heritage.

I will be the first to cure cancer,

and I will receive a Nobel Prize.

I will shake hands with all the diplomats

and bring the world peace at last

Then, I will destroy it all,

for the sake of the tragic flaw.

Wait, Wait, Wait, Wait, Wait. Days, Days, Days, Days, Days.

Walking back, our tongues stained

by mumbled plans, our mouths

saturated with the taste of Chinese.

You didn't expect to see me that day.

Stumbling awkwardly, out of breath.

I didn't know what to say anyway.

I forgot how all this felt.

Only an hour and thirty minutes.

You asked if I was alright

for my breathing was strange

I said I was fine, not to worry.

I tried hard to be calm.

We got to your steps.

You went and woke him up.

We turned up the music.

I tried hard to make it right.

I love you like I hate being alone.

Desperately, fully, and without

any sense of direction at all.

It's all a big adventure.

Nothing is set up in concrete.

Maps always change shape.

Just move with plate tectonics.

Just believe in what you said back then again.

So I'm Proposing a Swift, Orderly Change...

I'm trying.


Stay with me, here.
Never give up.