I will let you sleep.

Something in my head contradicts the fact that I believe every negative thing that has happened to or between us doesn't matter at all. I am sorry if sometimes I am scared. I guess it scares me that I have given every ounce of my mind, heart, and trust to you. I'm afraid of feeling so vulnerable. It's something that has roots that run deep, back into dark parts of my past. It's hard to get past feeling so scared.
I don't want you to think that I am irrational, or uncaring.
In reality, I care more for you than anything in this world. Or anything in any other world, for that matter.
No matter how many phrases I use to describe my love for you are labeled as sappy or cliche, I pen them as though they were original, and being spoken straight from the beating in my chest- like some sort of morse code love letter, signed in blood. There's so much more I wish to say to you than simple expressions and commonly used comparisons.

I've tried to write songs to express how I feel about you. Only one has ever made it to your ears, only because it has been the most lighthearted and least revealing one so far. Also, I've never come up with a melody quite right for anything to match you. I don't think I have the skills to write like that. I have a hard enough time coming up with words that fit. Usually, I don't get past the second verse, because I lose myself in thought. You are absolutely puzzling to describe. You're fascinating. Beautiful. Frighteningly intelligent... Then I start to trail off and think of how I would describe you in metaphors, only to find that maybe I would describe you as a star. Sometimes you're so far away, but you are still always there, brightly shining through all of the darkness that surrounds you, and giving me hope. But then, still I think that a star wouldn't quite even do you justice.

Do you know how many times I've tried to replicate your eyes on paper? Watercolors, colored pencils, paints, pastels... every medium. I even tried cutting bits of paper. That didn't work. They're too hard to capture in a still frame. Just like the whole of you. Tall and thin, always thinking- always moving somehow. Gears turning inside your head conjuring all sorts of magical things. Beautiful things, and dark things too. Always moving your hands, or messing up your hair. Creating things. Taking pictures. Scribbling. Doing magic tricks.

This isn't just some stupid post on some stupid blog, today. I'm taking my time on this, and I consider it an expression of what goes on inside my confused head.

I see that you are uneasy, usually when we aren't alone. You always seem like you're watching your back, or counting your words. Your head's somewhere else, but you maintain composure for the sake of appearance. You don't like being questioned, and you don't like your anxiety to be noticed. But I can always tell when something's wrong. Whether you know I know or not. Sometimes I don't bring attention to it, because I feel like you wouldn't want me to. I hope I'm doing the right things.

When we're alone, you're comfortable. You relax, and even sleep sometimes. Your hands drift down my spine, resting on the curve of my side. Something about physical contact between us just conquers any feelings of worry or discomfort and fills the gaps in with relief. I believe this happens because when we are apart, we're like two puzzle pieces in the puzzle box. All broken apart and awkwardly shaped, and you can't really tell what's going on with either on it's own. Put them together and things start to make sense. Things start to feel right.


I guess what this whole collection of thoughts is trying to express is that I believe in you.
I don't want you to think I'm upset, or mad, or anything.
Usually, it's just because I get so overwhelmed.
I always want to help, and when I can't, I get nervous, and anxious, and all other sorts of unpleasant things.

I really do love you.
And I know you know that,
and I know you love me too.
And that's all that matters.

[Para siempre.]